Dad
by thenostalgicdreamer
Summary: From my Finding Courage Universe: Staring at the beauties of Yellowstone, Maggie reflects on who truly is her dad.


Maggie sits gingerly down on the rock—it doesn't look too pointy after all—and surveys the scene in front of her. It is absolutely majestic. Jagged edged mountains surround her on all sides. At the base of them are smooth, grassy meadows. A herd of buffalos is grazing in the meadow in front of her which is separated from the meadow where she is sitting by a wide stream flowing with clear blue water. She takes her drawstring bag from her back and pulls out a small notebook and a pencil. She always wants to write when she's feeling inspired. Writing allows her to make sense of the thoughts and feelings trapped in her head and heart. Now is just the time for that. Surveying the scene around her, she can't quite believe she almost didn't go on this trip. Regardless of what she thought before, she needed this beauty in her life.

Back in April, she had first heard Dez tell her mom about wanting to go to Yellowstone. He had told her it was beautiful and that he had always wanted to go. Besides, he had explained that it would be a great experience for the kids. The more Maggie heard about Yellowstone, the more she disagreed with him. It was a fifteen hour drive. She liked her siblings fine at home, but she did not relish the thought of being stuck in the backseat of the SUV with Juan and Darrie. They were so loud when they played video games which was what she was sure they would be doing the whole trip. Besides, Esmeralda would be sure to get fussy like she always did when she was away from Dez. The middle row was not close enough to the front seats, and there was way Dez would sit between her and Andre's car seats the whole trip. Andre was quieter, but he had to be fed frequently and his stinky diapers were the worst. No, the trip to Yellowstone sounded like no fun at all.

In spite of her feelings, the trip planning continued with Dez and her mom constantly working on arrangements. The snippets of their conversations that she caught did nothing to increase her excitement. She heard things about "no flushing toilets" and "lots of driving from place to place" and "rustic camping" and "bear proof food storage". She did not like the idea of roughing it in the wilderness of Yellowstone with no electricity and running water and only the thin canvas walls of their pop up tent separating her from the great outdoors.

The night she heard about the grizzly bears, she made up her mind to talk to her mom and Dez about her idea for the trip. Surely, they could plan the trip for one of the weeks that she and Juan would be in Florida with their father. It sounded great to her, but Dez and her mom quickly put the kibosh on the idea saying that it was a family vacation and they would go when the entire family was available. She then suggested staying with Uncle JJ and Aunt Emily or Uncle Austin and Aunt Ally. The answer was no again. Mom said something about how it wouldn't be the same without her there. Dez had winked at her and said he agreed and that he was sure she was going to enjoy it. That hadn't sat well with her at all. What right did he have to assume he knew what she would and would not enjoy when he wasn't her, when he wasn't even her dad?

Despite all the time she spent bemoaning the loss of her summer vacation time in LA, the trip hadn't been as she had been expecting. They took it slow, and miraculously everyone was in a good mood most of the time. Maybe Dez was holding Esmeralda's hand most of the way, but he was happy because he somehow managed that from one or other of the front seats. Juan and Darrie spent most of the trip on their mobile consoles, but they did take some breaks to look at the scenery. Besides, they did lots of listening and singing along to Uncle Austin's old cds and his and Aunt Ally's new ones. The camping hadn't been as bad as she thought although she definitely wasn't particularly enjoying it.

She definitely is enjoying this though—letting her heart be overwhelmed by the sights and sounds around her. It is so beautiful here and so quiet too with the exception of the occasional sound of the passing car and the sound of her family enjoying the stream below. Everyone else is standing on its banks except Darrie and Juan who are wading across the stream to the gravelly island just a few feet away. Mom waves at her, but Maggie shakes her head. She is happier up here where she can see the whole scene and write to her heart's content.

That surprisingly is nothing. Her page is blank with the exception of a couple scribbled out words at the top. She isn't sure why she can't think of anything to say. She always can think of something to say when she is feeling this inspired, but alas nothing...

She looks up when she hears the sound of footsteps approaching. It is Dez with Esmeralda in the baby carrier on his back. They make quite the sight—Dez with that silly grin on his face and Esmeralda so big she almost doesn't fit in the baby carrier. "Sissy" is what Esmeralda says as they get closer, and Maggie feels her heart melt. At two, Esmeralda is too little to understand all the complicated messy realities of being part of the De La Rosa-Wade family. She simply knows Maggie as "sissy", the big sister she loves and admires.

Esmeralda's words break through all her excuses for not joining the others. If nothing else, her baby sister needs a little sister time. So when Dez asks her to join them, she says yes, loads up her things, and begins following him down through the grass to the shore. They are almost to the stream when she feels her shoes sink just a little. The ground is swampy. Desiring to keep her shoes dry, she stops.

A moment later, Dez turns around and walks toward her. He asks her what is wrong and when she explains, he offers to carry her. She laughs. With Esmeralda on his back, there is no way he can carry her. But she is wrong. After asking if she is ready, he places one arm under her legs and the other around her back and begins walking gingerly across the wet ground. She glances down scared he will drop her or worse yet fall, but he doesn't. Each step is steady and strong, and before she knows it, he has set her down on solid ground.

"Thanks, dad" slips out of her mouth before she even realizes what she is saying. She is thankful, yes, but she never calls Dez "dad". He is her stepfather, the man who had married her mother and was helping her run her home. That doesn't make him her dad.

Dad is an honestly an empty void in her life. She just has Dez who isn't her dad and Chuck who had left when she was just six and who she has only seen three weeks every summer and every other Christmas since then. Chuck doesn't care about her like a dad should, and Dez just isn't her father.

In her book, Chuck has done everything to that says he wants to give up his place as her dad. He left her and her mother choosing another woman instead and loving the children she gives him infinitely more. He still insists she visit him, but Maggie thinks that's more to fulfill his "fatherly" duties than because he actually cares. When she's there, she has to stay in her half sisters' room, and he rarely notices her unless she's wearing something he doesn't approve of for whatever reason. He doesn't let her talk, just asks her all the small talk inciting questions. He's too busy fawning over his girls especially her stepmother who waits on him hand and foot.

She's always relieved when she gets home to her mom and Dez because it's so different and infinitely better. She has her own room because Dez insisted that they get a house big enough that she can have enough space. He often volunteers to help her with her homework. Since she attends an art school, it's actually a help. He always asks her about her day and then just waits until she can't help but tell him. She may be just getting over being frustrated about dragging her along on this darn road trip, but heck, she still has no doubt he loves her. She might not be his little girl the same way Esmeralda is—she knows they can't go back in time and change biology and make him her dad. But he loves her so so much, and isn't that enough for her to start calling him dad? Maybe that's why she just did.

She reaches over and wraps her arm around her waist. "Thanks, dad" comes out with more intentionality this time. When she doesn't hear a reply, she glances up into his face. There's tears in his eyes, and it makes her feel like crying too. He knows. Eventually, he manages an "anything for you" pulling her into a tight hug. She can't help thinking that she doesn't want to ever let go. She doesn't want to ever forget this moment and what it feels like to finally know that she has a dad.

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 **Author's Note: Esheeka, you asked for something about Maggie, so this is just for you. I hope all of you who read this enjoyed it. I'd love to know what you think.**


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